You’re Such A Tool

You’re Such A Tool

March 5, 2019
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You’re Such A Tool

It’s become my favourite expression. I use it several times a day. It’s just so descriptive.

Those who know me well, would appreciate that I have a somewhat casual approach to language, and although I can tailor my conversation appropriately to the company I am keeping, I tend to “talk sailor” at times.

To fill you in, December 2018, Rest Inn Knysna was bursting at the seams. January was proving to be pretty “sardined” as well. And February was looking great. My Thursday staff were looking forward to a busy season. (Or so I thought). Winston the gardener (of some 13 years service), and wife Agnes of perhaps some 6, had become trusty Thursday companions, both to me, the weeds and the windows.

Somehow, out of nowhere, at the beginning of December, Winston announced that he was moving on. Agnes, tied to him by her apron strings, promptly followed him up the leaf clean drive, and were never to be seen again.

So here I was. Not a damsel in distress. I am used to moving to plan C. Plan B is where I usually am at to start with.

 However upbeat I was about getting through the busy time of “season”, I stopped for a moment to consider how to manage cleaning, washing, ironing, bed making, mopping, gardening and all the other components of keeping a top-class facility running smoothly.

 To get things into perspective, I am a pretty hands on sort of girl, but I won’t pretend that my ironing skills and domestic queen skills are “par excellence”. In fact, I cannot iron, neither can I scale a fireman’s ladder to reach the upstairs windows. My toilet cleaning, plumbing and fairy-dusting are right up there. My cookie baking is grand.  Ironing not. Swinging a weed-eater is also not a honed talent.

My friend and neighbour Marionette, did not offer a shoulder to cry on. Not at all. She is a practical sort of lady, and her mom worked as a maid all her life. What more could I want than advice learned at the shoulder of a master?  She started to offer up a string of suggestions which included everything from a “steamer” to “the best mop ever”. It seemed to include every item from the Verimark range of things domestic. All I knew was that from that range, I had once bought a vegetable mechanism to turn a cucumber into a spiral,  and a sort of plastic gizmo for shaking salad dressing into an emulsion, and into oblivion. Neither functioned as advertised, and like all of us know, they joined the “plastic drawer” of hell.

The “Tobi” steamer seemed to address some of my ironing needs. It’s ok. But it tends to throw a kiddie tantrum when you take it out of it’s stand. It spits, splutters and leaks. It’s bulky, and the pipe that emits the steam is far too short to reach the middle of King size linen. You see, the plan was to iron directly onto the beds! Tobi was soon followed by the Floorwiz family of products. I acquired the eco fibre mop, the double sided spray mop, the pro sponge mop, the pro bucket, the wonder broom and the 2 in 1 spin tech mop. But wait, there’s more.  I almost forgot. I have the magnetic window washer that does two sides of the window at once.  I’ve done Verimark proud. The “squeegee” mop still earns a gold medal, whilst the window washing tool comes in as runner-up. The rest. Not so much. I still really yearn to acquire the Floorwiz Butterfly Mop Elite. And perhaps a DermaWand and Pink Armor Nail Gel, just for good measure.

I learned from Marionette that bleach takes the grey off white plastic garden furniture and removes makeup from white sheets like a dream. I am still to acquire the yellow Sunlight soap block that is apparently better than the old green one. I need to keep some tricks up my sleeve for future use when all else fails.

So there I was one day, abusing the “Tobi” when I started to wonder why there wasn’t such a thing as a cordless steam iron. That would give me total leverage across a King size bed, without limitations. And then I Googled. And then the love affair started.

I met Russell Hobbs on Takealot. I swiped right into the basket. He was everything I needed in my life. No strings attached.  Now, every time I use him, I can’t help saying “You’re such a tool”. My Ryobi leaf blower gets the same praise.

I now have two, hardworking, robust men in my life, and they are both “such tools.”

Rest Inn Knysna Sparkles. I am the Verimark Queen…on the arm of Russell Hobbs.